NaniVision :: a look back and beyond today

 Right now I'm playing Dots 2.0 on my phone. I try not to play for more than an hour. It helps that my elbow rages with inflammation after I put it down.  When did this happen?! Negative feedback is required for me to actually make a hard change, so I tend to linger longer than I should at any one task regardless of its level of enjoyment. Some things just need term limits. In my mind, I see myself always taking care to eat right, biohack and biofeedback with supplements and new dietary ideas - mainly trying on different eating habits, while maintaining inconsistency and not playing favorites too much. So, how the fuck did this happen? When did I become infirm? My lower back has also been bugging me in a chronic kinda way, I've never experienced before. I'll pull something or overuse, then apply therapeutic remedies to heal in a few days. Not this time. Even going to the chiropractor and doing RICE and gently inverting and consciously stretching and using the torture tools ...

This time I am tidying up this little dangly bit, so others don't have to, setting things as straight as I can as someone who has learned from experience that the letting go of each evolutionary step is what allows us to evolve. Nothing ironic or contradictory about that catch-22. Not a thing. Except this happened. I was offered a space in a group shamanic ritual Of course, I casually jumped at the (what would be) once-in-a-lifetime offer. How much would I need to donate (read "cost"). How long will it take? I can't miss my plane back to the States. What can I expect? Throwing up and taking turns throwing hanging your ass over a hole in the ground called a toilet. Careful not to fall in!  So I went. And I was the very last to puke, which seemed like I was blessed, but I think it was because I knew not to go back for a second cup. I'm experienced if you know what I mean . For goodness sake, I was already so cleaaannnnn. Our time in Ecuador was a fast-tracked versi...

I've been thinking clearly as of late. Many things have transpired against my will... or have they? The question always seems to remain, no matter how much I put things in perspective where they make sense using a combination of logic and historical evidence of behavior. Apparently, it's all in my mind. You see, the truth lies in the truth. Sort of an oxymoron in terms of word usage, "truth" and "lies", but there it is. What I've learned just in the past 6 months, being in Ecuador around so many peace-loving people who, on the surface, are on the right path for their own salvation, so to speak, they are also on the mend from lack of self-love. And therein lies the truth. We, who are seeking our own, unique salvation, are exactly that: we are on our own. Sure, we can seek the tools to gain enlightenment, but they are useless if we do not go to the heart of the matter, which ironically is our heart. Our hearts are the core of our being. Before it even begi...

A couple of nights ago, an opportunity presented itself at the last minute. A full moon. An opening in a sacred medicine ceremony for the night. The person who made the opening available to watch Dec for the eve and morn. We met the shaman lady who wanted to make sure we weren't schizo or had any health problems. She's very interesting... originally from Austria. Very earthy, with a Garbo-esque accent and Egyptian-like haircut. She's totally groovy. We got the green light and was told to meet at her place at 8:30p... about a 15-minute walk. We could have a light lunch but then should fast for the rest of the evening, except for water. And bring a blanket and comfortable clothing because it was an outdoor experience. The full moon lighting our way, we snipped some flowers for Pachamama as part of the ceremony which also included something sweet and some red wine. We also brought some nuts and fruit for the next morning. The all-nighter began around 9pm when everyone assemble...

I'm moving more "stuff" around. Not sure why I'm calling it "stuff" rather than "shit", which is more appropriate at this point in my life. I think it's because this is a public forum and I really shouldn't use words like shit, fuck... not even crap. Some people will take it the wrong way, so I'll just use the word "stuff". It actually lets me off the hook in a way - as if I made a good decision about its acquisition. It was for a good cause... it was a gift... because it was cute... because it was cheap. Scratch that... it was affordable. What a load. Lately I have been looking at my stuff. As Mike alluded to in it a post months ago - we are responsible for everything we touch. Holy crap! That's stupid unless you look deeper and realize that it's absolutely true when practiced absolutely . You see, I've come to notice that much of our ego is about making us "feel better". A safety mechanism. A defense s...

Mike and I are on a journey. Together. It was always a trial for us to stay together, but it was also inevitable. We are bound to each other by intuitive threads, and conventionally with love and friendship. My ideals of the perfect partner in my lifetime was mainly someone who would be able to understand what I was thinking without really saying anything out loud. A bizarre notion that I wanted a mind reader, when just the opposite was true. I needed someone who didn't speak much, who would then draw from me, MY words and thoughts. One who would frustrate me because he could not put into words what I was feeling. But it occurred to me some time ago that what I needed was to speak what I was feeling. I used to write. When I was younger, thoughts flowed from my mind to my hand to the paper. It was nearly effortless. But I wouldn't show anyone either. It was because I couldn't speak. When I realized that I was only speaking through my writing, I decided to change. It was pain...

Today was just one of those unbelievably poignant synchronistic days when everything happens for a reason - and not just any reason... but like, a really perfect reason. Two puzzle pieces that looked bizarre on their own. For the last week, I have been meaning to make my friend, Joseph, a cake in thanks for helping us out with a rooster issue. But for as much as I had all the ingredients out on the counter... waiting for inspiration and the time necessary to follow through and not rush... I had not been able to muster the muse to get it done. But, as it turns out, there was a real, universal reason for my procrastination. I definitely wanted to deliver it before we left for a long trip out of town... so as Thursday blossomed into being, I decided I would get it done. I loved making that cake. I did not dread it as I would a chore. It meant something to me to hand him something from my heart. So, the carrot cake came into the world from my heart... and was decorated with a heart. I also...

PICTURE Whose prom was this? I'd have to say, it was the worst of the 3 junior proms I attended. Just look at the dress. I think this was MY junior prom - so that would be #2. I went with Keith. We all did things we shouldn't have that night.   No, I take that back... Jon's junior prom was the worst and my friend Holly was there. And I'm sure that I had been drinking, so... no, maybe not the worst.  It was at the Ramada Inn in Mystic - and it smelled of sweaty people as if an aerobics class had just left and they'd had no ventilation. Holly... I think it was also her worst. Her date reeeeeeeked so bad, and was clueless, too - so he was hangin' all over her. She told me to smell him (which I did) and I thought I was going to fall over - my ears rang from the pungency. This is a picture of me and Erin dancing at Keith's junior prom? I think she went with someone 2 years younger... how scandalous. At least she was there to have fun with!    Erin, Erin,...

Facebook, unlike MySpace, has created this seemingly more wholesome connection tool that brings people together in a familiar, yet veiled, sort of way, resembling a cloud-like dating scene. And I say that with some humility. It makes me look at my own reasons for "friending" someone, as Mira puts it. I guess my reasons are not without selfish intent... we put our best (if not honest) face forward in an imperfectly created virtual world. We never touch. We never talk. So, how honest is it? I think in this day and age, these networks resemble high school all over again. The high school of being able to drive to a friend's house and hang out when we wanted to. The high school before work and family sucked the time out of the weekends to pay back the time our parents sacrificed for us. It's the continuum of karma. But I digress. Remember when it was easy to see your friends everyday and hang out with the ones you clicked with, when you wanted to? Easy access, I call it. T...

I have a love/hate relationship with lists. On one side, I despise being beholden to any "thing" that tells me what I need to do. On the other, I desperately neeeeed them to make sure I don't forget anything I am beholden to. Savvy? I'd say not. So, where is my master list of the lists? It's a piece of paper on a notead among many notepads, shrewn here and there within my growing pile of To Do. I still can't find it. But what I can find are old lists that were once referenced by the master list. These I go through when I find them and scratch out the Completed items, then rewrite a new master list. It's complicated. But it's also a good exercise for my brain which seems to be failing lately. Slightly. Sporadically. I was once a major list-maker, aka Project Manager. I have tried all kinds of tools to get a project organized and keep a project organized and make sure other people within the project were organized until the very end - even when deadlines...

Sometimes a cup o' joe in the afternoon really hits the spot.  Sometimes it just leads to more disorientation and jitters.  Inevitably, though, the aroma is what draws me in most... It makes me think I want a smooth, delicious cup to sip genteelly - when in actuality, it gets in my way and I end up gulping it down before it's too chilled.  I don't fancy cold coffee, unless it's iced and pretty. A paradox ?

I had a most wonderful dream this morning of which I recall very little now. It was embracing and comforting, and I smiled in spite of having to get up and start my physical day. There was a time, and I can sometimes practice this without being frustrated, when I could surf my dreams and alter the outcome. I used to practice this when I was in my teens because I felt the need to rid myself of many irrational fears that I kept to myself and never told anyone - until now. It was then that I began to actively "fly" in my dreams to get away from a perceived, scary situation or encroaching, nameless foe. I remember passively doing this when I was younger, and I thought I was special. As it turns out, many people fly in their dreams, however, not knowing that back then had allowed me a cushion of courage, that I possessed certain powers, to help control myself - "myself" being my ego which cast fear and doubt on just about everything I attempted. Today, I realize that it ...

I love how technology allows customer service reps to copy and paste scripted rebuttals and offers during a chat session. The chat session was the "only" way to cancel my eFax account (other than hunting for a phone number, cleverly embedded within the knowledgebase). So, I had to install another piece of software I'll use this once just to get this: (btw, "this" was the second go around, having nearly completed the cancelation the first time until my computer decided to reboot) Welcome to chat. The session has been accepted. {- Stanley K.} Hello, Cynthia. Welcome to j2 Global online support. I am Stanley, your online Live Support Representative. How may I assist you? {cynthia} I was disconnected earlier when I was trying to cancel my acct {- Stanley K.} I am sorry to hear that you wish to cancel. Could you please provide me with your Fax number and PIN for verification? {cynthia} I am not interested in your offer for a couple of months free {cynthia} fax\PIN {-...

Seriously, we've been in a personal recession since the bubble burst back in 2000.  That's right... we're dotcom refugees. Nothing huge or grandiose.  It was just our career path for about as long as the Web was around.  We had fun . We had faith. We invested our own cash into tech stocks and our own companies as much as we could. Did I say we had faith? It's true. We had fun.  We met great, talented people - both young and old, green and seasoned - and worked together to build SOMETHING. That was what we did. Did I say we had fun? Well, we did.  Startups are a crazy style of company . Your development group or sales group or even the operations people - possibly all the same person - become your second family. We'd eat together and work insane hours to make deadlines. In the daily passing of time, many stories are shared and you get to know each person as the person they really are - beyond the interview - when you realize you were spot-on in hiring thi...

For as long as I can remember, I have these thoughts - auditory visions if you can stretch this analogy - when seemingly, my mind should be turned off and relaxing, enjoying the mindless broadcast from the tube or sitting in the spaces between material and natural, visiting it seems, the edges of my own sanity. In other words, I talk to myself. Not out loud, of course, because that's just crazy. My ego speaks to me when I seek quiet. A noisy respite from my own daily doings. It really should be more quiet, and often I can turn down the volume or shut it up - literally sometimes - I say out loud, "enough!", as if that is required to make my ego listen and pipe down for a moment. I choose this action when there is repetitive, negative haranguing of someone I am clearly not speaking with at the moment - a dress rehearsal of sorts for the actual moment when I may pick up my skirt and read the riot act to someone that my ego has deemed unworthy of "live and let live"...