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when did I become infirm?

 Right now I'm playing Dots 2.0 on my phone.

I try not to play for more than an hour. It helps that my elbow rages with inflammation after I put it down. 

When did this happen?!

Negative feedback is required for me to actually make a hard change, so I tend to linger longer than I should at any one task regardless of its level of enjoyment. Some things just need term limits.

In my mind, I see myself always taking care to eat right, biohack and biofeedback with supplements and new dietary ideas - mainly trying on different eating habits, while maintaining inconsistency and not playing favorites too much.

So, how the fuck did this happen?

When did I become infirm?

My lower back has also been bugging me in a chronic kinda way, I've never experienced before. I'll pull something or overuse, then apply therapeutic remedies to heal in a few days. Not this time. Even going to the chiropractor and doing RICE and gently inverting and consciously stretching and using the torture tools I've accumulated over decades of fixing me, have not improved my sitch. Lower back issues can also be from financial woes, and if filing taxes by the extension date (next week) isn't bad juju, I don't know what is.

I think I haven't put enough attention on maintaining muscle, not doing enough physical strength movements - the stuff I used to naturally do when I was a younger person with a freer spirit. I still have muscle but it's kinda dumb. My nervous connections have degraded to the point where communication with my right pinky toe just isn't an option. It does what it wants.

Thought before Form.

I think the answer lies in this posting. I needed to express it a different way, because I know I've been complaining about my physical form for a while now - like decades - yet, I've never been in a consistent state of movement since my early 30's, before I broke my ankle and had a baby (yes, at the same time).

Balance. I've been plagued by imbalance issues since then - I had them before in spades (whatever that means).  Finding the true meaning of balance in all my bodies: emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, ethereal has been challenging. I didn't even know all these aspects of me existed until the last 10 years. I took so much of my parts for granted, and until recently hadn't fully connected them into something amazingly strong. 

People will say you're just getting older. Things breakdown. Well, not what I've learned this past decade - I should be able to will myself back into perfect health because my thoughts... yeah, mind over matter and shit. It takes a lot of energy to pull it off.

And still, I hurt. 

Physically hurt. I should do more yoga and act like I like it.

Emotionally hurt. I shouldn't care that we don't gather to share.

Mentally hurt. I should be able to filter through the noise without being angry.

Spiritually hurt. I can't feel my wings and I should not care because it was not my energy.

Ethereally hurt. I should accept the truth about where we come from and why we're here.


Maybe, just maybe. If I put this out into the world as words and not just thought and voice... I can make a change that will last. That I can turn this ship more slowly and last a little longer.

here's to allowing the collective godhead to rain an abundance of health down over me,

Nani

WTF I'm in Ecuador again

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